This afternoon, a long-fingered resident of Stornoway found himself at the receiving end of a case of "from the frying pan into the fire". After being forcibly removed from his home on the seafront, he ended up losing his life on the mean streets of the town. The pink resident had been extricated by parties unknown, reported to be wearing white or grey, using a long, yellow implement to gain access to his home. This had been done without prior warning, just as the unfortunate was enjoying mussels for lunch. Struggling madly, he managed to gain freedom from the grasp of his captors, but fell whilst crossing a street near his home. Unable to get out of the way of traffic, he was run over and killed instantly.